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Can an Indian Homemaker find her own Identity...



Home Maker, House Manager or plain House Wife whatever the name one gives to a person who works selflessly to manage a household all 24 hours-365 days a year without a salary, this blog post is dedicated to this unsung heroine of every household. (I know I’m going to offend lot of Husbands & In laws here but this one is for the woman of the House).

Right from the time one is married in a joint family or a nuclear family, a girl is roped into managing the house, leaving behind her own dreams, aspirations & passion. Her sole aim becomes to make sure the house is maintained well, Kids, In-laws & Husband are taken care of.

The Girl’s parents think that they have performed their duty well by marrying her off in a well to do family to a decently earning boy and their girl’s future is secured. She should have no complaints.

The In-laws think that they are providing a good and healthy environment to their “Bahu” and she should be happy & contented with that.

Her Husband thinks that he takes good care of her, bring in sufficient money to run the house,fulfills her all needs so she should be satisfied with the life she has, anyhow she doesn’t do much work at home.

Once the Kids come into the picture the situation becomes even more serious. Now the additional duty of taking care of kids is also enthrusted on the mother. No doubt In-laws do provide a helping hand in taking care of kids in some cases but the major challenge lies solely with the mother. The Man of the house is not at all questioned as he is going out and earning for the family. His life runs the same way as earlier.

Result is, in majority of cases the Girl surrenders herself to the situation & forgets about her own “IDENTITY”.

This Blog of mine today is on this very topic of finding “Identity” of the Home Maker.

Now to start of with, during the course of my preparation of writing this blog, I tried talking to few Homemakers & unanimously almost all {although after some cajoling} said that yes they do nurtured a passion, a dream which they wanted to pursue & fulfill in life but somewhere somehow that dream has now taken a backseat in lieu of the responsibility of the family. Their Identity has gone missing somewhere.

They are not allowed to wear what they like as they are supposed to dress up in a certain way, they are not allowed to go out as per their own free will as they have to have somebody or the other alongside or simply wait for the husband to come back home to accompany (that too depends on his free will & mood), Their sleeping and waking times are fix as per the kids & In-laws routine. They can’t eat or drink in public as per their own free will, if they do so they are questioned let alone by the society but by her own family as well. They can’t take decisions on behalf of the family on their own (which she is looking after almost singlehandedly).The list is endless.

 In the literal words of one of the homemaker-“Shadi karna ek apraadh hai, jo kar daala hai, to ab kutch nai kar sakte” pictures the irony.

She is questioned by In-laws & Husband as “kya zarurat hai beta itna to kama leta hai ki ghar ache se chal jaye” or “Tume kis baat ki kami hai?” when she tries doing something and wants to contribute in the betterment of the family. Instead her sole motto in life remains taking care of her In-laws & Kids in a certain way; attend Family Functions irrespective of her willingness.

All in all she goes through a lot of Mental & Social pressure all her life gradually losing her own Identity & unknowingly just following what the family & society wants her to irrespective of her own willingness. Taking care of the family, keeping them happy & being dependent on Husband for everything gradually changes the mindset of the girl. She falls in the rut of “Log kya kahenge”& ”Samaj kya kahega”syndrome & basically gives uher own aspirations for the family.  



Can we change the typical scenario? Yes we can – Let’s see how-

First and foremost the homemaker in question should herself belief that this is possible .She does not need to put her passion on backburner just because she needs to take care of the Family. It is not too late to pursue your dream or passion. Where there is a will there is a way. She needs to raise her own opinion with her own parents before marriage & the In-laws afterwards to let them know what her own aspirations are. In majority of cases the family is unaware of any such thing so they need to be brought on the same page rather timely & tactfully.

She needs to bring them into the loop where they are all ears to what she wants to share. She should highlight  her own hobbies, passion which she wants to pursue alongside taking care of the family{off course she should harp upon the need for getting a helping hand wherever needed from Inlaws,Maids as well as her husband in this new scenario}.

A hobby and passion can also be put to financial gains which can bring financial stability & Independence which is very vital for discovering HER own Identity.

The Girl’s parents should understand that their girl although getting married can still have her own viewpoint and pursue her passion alongside .They should not feel ashamed or be on back foot while discussing the said topic with the prospective bridegroom’s family.

The would –be- In-laws also need to be open towards their Bahu’s Aspirations as they are towards their own Son’s and look at the scenario in a broader terms rather than thinking of bringing in a mere person in their family who will look after the house and raise kids only.The “Samaj- Kya- Kaheja syndrome” is only in the mind and nobody bothers, moreover when the family is on the same page it hardly matters.

Now comes the most important person in the picture-the Husband. This person is the most vital cog in the wheel .The Wife needs to talk one to one to him at the outset about her dreams, aspirations & should put forth her opinion of how she wants to pursue her dreams alongside managing the family. She should emphasize on creating her own Identity in midst of the family responsibility she is ready to carry along with his help. She should reiterate the fact that two is also better than one when it comes to earning a better livelihood for the whole family, only thing needed here is an equal opportunity for both the husband & the wife which will only be possible if everyone in the family thinks with an open mind & treats a girl & the boy as one .

When it comes to kids, even a mother can be a role model for them .They can be proud of their mother just as they are of their father. That will only be possible when they see their mother pursuing her passion & standing shoulder to shoulder with their father .It's high time we inculcate this feeling in our kids so that they go on & treat women as equals. This will also be helpful in changing the typical male mindset which leads to crimes against women.

All in all, the Society needs to change as a whole but the start will happen at the Family level to shake that change in the society.

A women’s Identity can only be established when she stands for herself & refuses to be a mere shadow who is working from background.

Come out …Explore your passion, your dream & stand tall alongside the husband not behind him.

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So, until next time….BYE!           

HOW TO BELL THE CAT !!!!!


The dreaded TEENAGE- PARENT DISCONNECT & so called- GENERATION GAP


Hi friends I’m back with a topic of interest ….something which each one of us Parent to teenage children can relate to and always want to find a solution to.
Today, myself who is a Parent to a Teenage Son as well, will try and address this everlasting problem in the most simplest of ways. Hope I can help find few solutions for all on the topic during the course of my blog today.
 Let’s start to tackle the issue by understanding the issue between the teenage child and the parent first. The disconnect or conflict starts when the child reaches the “Teen-age or becomes 13-14 yrs of age. Infact this teenage starts from 13yrs and lasts till 19yrs,when the kid grows into A “YOUNG ADULT”(a good 5-6 yrs) so no respite for parents for 5-6 yrs thereafter-may God bless all us parents :)
 So, till that time the kid listens to what the parent has to say on all the topics under the sun. As He/She reaches the age of 13-14 yrs things start getting change slowly and steadily. We as parents don’t realize that the kid has now developed a brain which thinks differently ,their hormones kicks in & the whole world around has opened for them which offers a perspective which is vastly different to what they have been fed all these years.
 The understandings of the things they were made to believe all these years ,now seems to be OUTDATED to them hence the disconnect or the conflicts start appearing which catches the parents off-guard and suddenly we start thinking –“What has happened suddenly ?? Has our upbringing lacked somewhere in all these years??” And what not. We as parents, dosen’t realize that this is a normal and natural phenomenon which happens within each and every Family on this Earth.
Let me add two examples for a better understanding here –
One of my close friend with a teenage son complains that her son do share his problem with her but out rightly rejects the solution given by her and her husband as Obsolite,Old Fashioned or Irrelevant and he starts complaining about the vast age gap or “Generation Gap” as we address it today .
One other friend shares that her teenage son asked her for a solution as to how he can get rid of his addiction to Mobile and TV. She tried her best by telling him simply to take care of the number of hours he uses up on these two electronic gadgets but he refused to take that as a solution and things went into an argument and it all ended up on a sour note.  
   So…Now the Big Question is –How to address this evergreen issue the best possible way?
Well to start with, we as parents should stop first blaming ourselves, our upbringing style and should stop getting shocked due to the teenage behavior. We need to understand that this is natural phenomenon and we need to address it very tactfully.
 What I believe is, we as parent should revamp our relationship with our kids as they enter the teenage. Let’s understand the age of the typical parenting is far gone. The life & times has changed from what we witnessed and grew with. We never used to be so open with our parents, never used to question their believes & understanding and followed it to the tee. Rightly so the environment around was also not what it is today. Thankfully we never got bombarded with uncontrolled information as it is today all thanks to EASY ACCESS to “I-Net & Cable TV”. The so called “peer pressure” today was something unknown for us .The world was never so “Competitive” during our times.
Just think of what our kids are witnessing and facing in today’s environment!! The conflicts and dead logs are bound to happen until we tend to mend our ways & move into the “New Age parenting”.
As our kids enter the Teenage, we as parents need to shift our gear from being a typical parent to a “BUDDY” with a clause. Yes you heard it right-Buddy with a clause means you need to be a buddy to your teenage kid with whom you can interact as one does with his/her buddy where both the parties are open to discuss anything and everything under the sun without judging each other but both the parties should also keep in mind the relationship sanctity & the vast experience of the parent can never be ignored.
While addressing and providing the solution to the kid, the parent should patiently listen to the kid with all ears just as a buddy does. Half of the issue gets automatically resolved when we listen to them like a buddy without judging or cutting them in between with our gospels. I mean c’mon they are no child any more but a teenage with a sensibility. Believe me most of the times a kid only needs an ear to hear him/her out which he/she looks for outside the house when not fulfilled at home or the wall of typical parenting is too high for him/her to climb. This results in a gradual detachment and leads to formation of a mindset that “parents don’t understand”. I’m sure no parent wants to have such a situation although we all eventually fall into the same situation.  
Secondly, after a patient hearing, a parent should put themselves into the situation & provide multiple options as a solution to the kid’s problem rather than giving “gyan”.Remember buddy with a clause??  
Most of the times the solution need not be the typical answer as expected. Let’s go back to the examples I shared earlier-
The solution given by the parent might be the BEST solution as per the parent but in the point of view of the teenager it can be the typical parent solution on the expected lines which he /she doesn’t want to hear, resulting in the dead log.
On the other hand, if the parent had said “Look I’m very happy to hear that you understand that  Mobile & TV are eating up most of your time and you want to change this picture, let’s see what we can do to change the scenario…would you like to have few good books to read in your free time?? Let’s go to the market and buy few books of your interest!! {This way you are inculcating a habit of reading in the kid which will eventually improve his/her vocabulary and expression}”
Or how about “Lets go out every day for 1-2 hrs and invest our time into playing some sort of sport of your choice?? I challenge you. {Bringing out his/her competitive spirit}”
Or “I would appreciate if we both go out to the market and you helping me out buying stuff for the house! {Bringing in the responsibility}”
Or “Let’s clean the house together!! We will start with your room! {Habit of keeping your surrounding clean}”      
There can be umpteen ways to keep him/her engaged and simultaneously de-addicting from the electronic gadgets.
But the idea is not to give them the typical sermon but involve yourselves with them in gradually solving the problem .Ultimately they are our kids and they need our time as well let alone the atmosphere we are providing for their betterment and the money we are spending for their wellbeing.
After all there are only a few years left till the time they flew out of the nest to make their careers.
I understand the issue today with both parent working, nuclear families & single parents the time is a constrain but just sit back and think…
For whom we are working day in day out, earning money like maniacs??
Our Kids only na!!
If given a choice what will you choose a kid well brought up who is on the same page with you or a kid with lot of dissent, conflict and fixed mindset that “parents will never understand??”
I’m sure no parent would like to live with this heartache.
Think about it!!
And please comment what are your viewpoints on the subject addressed.
I would love to have your comments below.
Bye for now until next time!
       

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